It's Ok To Be Your Own You!

So, where'd I leave you guys last?

Things have been going good the last few months, especially since I've officially gotten over a bad heart break that happened a year ago. Somehow I was starting to feel a bit uncertain in my work and path. Staying focused has always been a struggle of mine but I have been trying to stay consistent with my business growth and education. Sometimes when things are going too normal, I tend to worry myself crazy. The odd part is that fear and worry has stopped me from taking any risks. Weird conundrum, I know. Too afraid to jump and to worried to walk. Where does that leave me? I've had moments like that over the last year and in those moments I started writing, and this is what I wrote...

" It is all a distraction.

The look, the smile, the work.

It's all to distract you from seeing the broken person behind it all.

Don't look at me.

Don't get to know who I am.

A woman in pieces spread to far to collect herself

and flailing,

wanting someone to grab hold of her and keep her still.

Keep her while she gathers the pieces of herself

and patches them as best she can to wholeness.

What do you make of a distraction that distracts itself?

What do you make of the vessel that wallowed until it became undone?

Gravid with fear and unmatched emotion.

Can you help me hold my vessel together?

Someone?!

Anyone?!

I am full of fear and unraveled.

Restless.

Weary.

Worn.

It is all a distraction.

The look, the smile, the work.

It's all to distract you from seeing the broken person underneath it all.

Don't look at me.

Don't get to know who I am.

I don't want to show my shame.

It's all a distraction. A beautiful box, with a hole that has spilled out almost all of its contents.

Underneath the delicately wrapped adornment,

a broken shell that had not known it wasn't whole until it saw its substance scattered.

I am no longer distracted.

I was my own distraction.

I was distracting myself from allowing myself to be made whole again.

I have to let go and live, but how?

Where do the broken go to start over?"

I haven't had too many no's in my career. Just a stream of opportunities. But that had grew to be debilitating for me. It fed a fear of No's. A fear that maybe I don't work hard enough, maybe I'm just lucky, maybe I don't deserve what I've had. I mean fear is real. Even when I didn't know it was there. It was that little voice telling me that my new idea isn't ready, that collection I've been working on is trash, my writing sucks, my work is subpar... it goes deep. When I let that fear get in my path it became harder to travel and I started to lose track of why I started. I second guessed myself and became my own opposition. I still struggle daily with my own fears. Fears of failure, disappointment, rejection and my own unhappiness. I'm typically a glass half full type of lady but sometimes that glass is half full of doubt.

I never wanted to be that girl that never had it together, but I found myself never having it together. I had let fear and worry break me down. In the midst of making sure no one saw it all falling apart, behind the scenes it had crumbled. Crumbled so, that it didn't seem like I was doing well at holding it together to anyone but me. The greatest disappointment of all is the disappointment of yourself. So, I had to let it go. I had to let what people thought of me go, let what I thought everything was supposed to be like go, and drop everything where it stood. The weight of my worry and fear was too much. I lost my relationship worrying about what it looked like instead of enjoying what it was. I was living beyond my means and working for less than my worth, because I was too afraid of stepping beyond my comfort zone. I had to free myself of the self-doubt that burdened me to care what people thought of me and how I managed. I had to free myself of what I let sink into my being from what society says about women my age; how you're supposed to be, how you're supposed to look, how you're supposed to dress, go out, be sexy, be soft, be strong, make money, house, kids, husband....FUCK! But they never tell you to just be you. So I freed myself of the hours in the mirror deconstructing what I thought wasn't perfect, because it all became too much. I had to press the reset button on myself.

It was time to clarify my vision for myself, regardless of money, anyone's opinions, or any preconceived ideas of what my happiness should be like. Where do I want to go? What do I envision at the end of MY path? And how do I look standing in that light? MY light. In order to get there, I have to live simply and solely in my purpose. Cause keeping up, and being cute, and staying calm, and this, and that... it's a lot. We were each uniquely created and filled with separate abilities and strengths. How could something so intricate as human beings are, be made to live in doubt?... We weren't. We were made to blossom in the light of the sun. Like most blooms, we won't always be as perfect as we desire, but beauty still resides in us. If only we can see it as it was created to be seen. It's easier said than done but there is no room for fear, worry or doubt in our hearts. We can not stand in our own way. We must not. There will be many No's, just as there are many seeds that haven't yet sprouted.

So, I'm going to trust my path, relentlessly pursue my happiness, let my purpose guide me, and just be me. We were all created to fulfill a individual purpose, and sometimes we have to look inside ourselves to find our clarity, purpose and strength. Once we find it , it is our duty to live in that light. Our Light.

I hope this helps you on your journey to be at peace and not in pieces. Tell me how you feel, leave comments and let me know what you think. Thank for stopping by. TTYL